Prison Fire Sparks Crazy Headlines

So there you have it, it’s all in a headline. If the headline doesn’t grab you by the time you’ve read the last word then the chances are you won’t bother to read the news story.

Unless you’re bored of course.

Warm Snow

Now, last month most of Britain woke up to a blanket of snow. Bit of a surprise considering the mild temperatures experienced up to that point. Even Christmas day had reached double figures.

The white stuff didn’t last long though and things are now picking up again. February went from -18 to +18 degrees centigrade which is just crazy!

Is That True? Let Me Check

So as March arrived I was a little shocked to read the news headline of “Snow Blizzards To Hit Britain”.

Along with thoughts of “Oh no not again”, I doubted that it was actually a true story to be honest.

However, out of curiosity I continued on and read the story.

No Need To Panic

Now it did say that snow was possibly likely to fall on an island north of Scotland. Can’t remember which one now but technically it’s in Britain. The article explained the term “blizzard” as a wind speed of 25mph or more.  That surprised me. I thought it would be faster than that?

Anyhow, technically the headline was true. Albeit over dramatic but it had done its job nonetheless. I’d read the article from top to bottom proving it was a good piece of journalism.

A Funny Headline

Over the weekend another great headline popped up.

Let me briefly explain the story first for you. Some masked inmates ran amok in a prison. They set fire to buildings, overpowered the guards and caused around £5m worth of damage.

The headline for this story focused on the punishment of the offenders, the arsonists if you prefer. It said “Inmates Jailed For Prison Riot Damage”.

Don’t Do That! Now Do It Again!

Yes that’s right, the inmates have been punished by… well… locking them back up. Hmm.

That’s like sending your child to their bedroom as punishment for staying in their bedroom, huh?

To be fair, it was a great headline that made me read the story, so once again a good piece of journalism.

One Bean + One Bean = Some Beans

I’ve just read a story about the mathematical ability of adults in the UK.  It was titled “Half of English Adults Have Poor Maths”.

Not overly exciting or dramatic I know but as I quite like being challenged by the odd number crunching question I thought I’d have a read.

Writing About Yourself

It basically said that 56% of UK adults admit to having no understanding of mathematics. “So what?”, I hear you say. “What’s this got to do with my earlier topic of conversation about headlines?”.

Well you see, it would appear the journalist writing this very article falls into the 56% bracket. I know I’m being a bit pedantic but the headline is wrong, even a little misleading. As far as I can recall, I was always taught at school that 56% does not equal half.

Whilst wrong though, I did end up reading the story.

Latest News!

Now, did you know that fuel bills are set to double?

No, I bet you didn’t but that could be my next heading. It may not be true of course but it appears I can say what I like if I word the story as a potential prediction for over the next decade.

Who knows, I might be half right… or maybe 56% wrong. Apparently I can be both.

Conclusion

So you see, headlines can be bang on perfect but they can also be misleading and inaccurate if you stretch things a little.

Oh, and as for the headline at the top of this article?

Well I guess I was wrong, but as it could’ve potentially been the last thing you did on Earth I feel privileged that you read this post right to the very end. Thank you.

Any dips with your letter sir?

There are plenty of organisations that offer help for one reason or another.

It could be some guidance on how to use an appliance for example.

Others give options of advice on how to fix a leaking tap.

If you are stuck on how to rebuild the engine in your car you don’t have to be alone.

You can even find books in the local library to discover how to really look after a pet.

Think About What You’re Saying

Have you ever seen a message like this though: “Having trouble with your telephone?  Ring 0800 555555 now for help!”.

Or perhaps you’ve seen something like this: “Having trouble with your internet access?  Visit www. computerhelp.com/theinternet now for help!”.

Why do they say things like this, surely the people behind this useful information aren’t as silly as they sound?

Yes ok, you’re probably right.  Maybe they are.

Delivery For You Sir!

You see, this morning on the news they covered an item that involved the Royal Mail Delivery Service.

For those who don’t know, the Royal Mail employ post men and women to hand deliver envelopes, leaflets and parcels to households across the UK.  They literally deal with millions of items each week.

It’s Going to be a Bumpy Ride

The news story covered a certain issue regarding a town in southern England. In this town there is a poorly maintained public road that leads to a number of properties.

As a result of the condition of this road the Royal Mail has now decided that they can no longer make deliveries to these properties until the road quality has been improved.

Sounds a bit harsh but if it’s dangerous I can see that it could of course become a serious issue.

Conclusion

So, the Royal Mail will be informing all of the residents affected that they can no longer deliver mail to them.

How?

Well, they are writing a nice little letter to them all of course…

I know, don’t ask.  Silly isn’t it.

So we just stand here right?

It seems as though wherever I look nowadays there are workmen about. On roads, street corners and even shopping centres. They are everywhere.

However, despite this huge presence it’s rare to see a workman working by himself. Take this morning for instance…

I passed a section of footpath surrounded by an excessive number of red and white barriers.

In between the barriers I could see a man standing inside a rather deep hole. Only his head protruded above ground level as he stood upright in his narrow mini canyon.

Don’t Just Stand There

Now, his colleagues were clearly above ground, not breaking a sweat, and that made me a little curious…

There were three of them.  All dressed in bright yellow jackets with their hard hats on, just like the man in the hole.  All three of them stood still, staring into the depths of the Earth whilst passing the odd comment as I walked on by.

What Are You Doing?

So why were they there, and what part do they play in this disruptive development?

The man in the hole seemed to be very busy but the chaps standing above ground seemed to be quite chilled and relaxed.

I Guess They Could Be…

So I tried to figure out what their roles might be.  Presumably one of them could be the boss, the man in charge in case a disaster happens.

Another could be the planner, the man who directs what happens and when it should happen.

Maybe the third man was a backup, someone to replace the poor chap who had clearly drawn the short straw out of the hat and ended up nearer the centre of our planet.

Very Important People

I guess though that any of them could have been a gas specialist, an electrician, the driver, a health and safety officer, an automated digger controller… whatever one of those might be, or perhaps just a good old tea boy.

You see, at first it appears to be completely over the top to have 75% of the people on the job doing absolutely nothing, but in fact it’s entirely feasible they are all there for a very good reason.

Oh, and most likely it’s perfectly possible that without one of them the project could not continue.  The entire process could fall apart.

Single Point of Failure

It’s a bit like a football team without a goalkeeper, or an NFL offence without a quarterback, or an F1 team without a driver.

They are all the same. Without one of those critical roles being performed the entire event has to stop or face complete failure.

Conclusion

So you see, I should just believe that these additional people are actually there for a good reason, and that they’re performing a critical role in the project or job that is being undertaken.

As individuals, it’s natural for many of us to think that we’re vital to a team or to things that may happen in our personal and professional working lives.  It feels good to be wanted after all.

So keep going, don’t give up and have the self belief that we are all important in our own little ways.

And Finally…

Right then, I’d better leave it there.  I don’t want to be responsible for my colleagues taking a rest with their feet up on their desks… so I’d better go and pop the kettle on for another cuppa.

After all, I’d only be digging a hole for myself if I didn’t.

Dark and Disbelief

Whilst driving into work this morning I had a few “shake my head in disbelief” moments.

First up were the drivers who failed to switch on their headlights. It was pretty dark as dawn hadn’t yet woken up.

I’m amazed at how many people fall into this category. That is no headlights, not the woken up bit.

Just Flick The Switch

I can’t decide if it’s just because they can see everyone else coming with their lights on so they don’t have to worry.

Or maybe it’s down to them actually sleeping at the same time as dawn, perhaps even with dawn. It could of course simply be that they just don’t care, and as a consequence are just too daft to understand the need to switch their lights on.

I’m not sure, but what I do know is I found myself shaking my head from side to side in disbelief. Either way, it was turning out to be pretty dangerous.

Now, talking of dangerous…

Push It And Run

I saw a young woman crossing the road whilst pushing a child in a pushchair.  Now this doesn’t sound too risky does it? Well I’m afraid to say it was and it was pretty irresponsible in the manner that she did it too.

It all happened at a busy crossroads that is controlled by traffic lights. When used correctly it is perfectly safe to cross, even with a child.

As I approached the junction the lights turned red.  So naturally I stopped, as did the vehicle in front of me. So just as well I did really. I then noticed that the traffic in every direction had stopped. That’s it, we just sat there, motionless.

Beep… Oh, Too Late

Then the reason came to light, a loud repetitive audible “beep” could be heard. This of course is for the pedestrians to cross safely in any which way they desired. After all, they pushed the button.

Oh, hang on a minute. No that’s not right, they’ve crossed already!

Why do people do that? Once again I found myself shaking my head from side to side.  She had risked her own life and that of the child.  She had acted responsibly in pressing the button to clearly demonstrate to the child that it’s the correct thing to do but then proceeded to do something else.

Anyone For Frogger

Not only did she risk their lives by playing Frogger but it could have resulted in potentially devastating an innocent driver who could have been caught up in it all.  She did make it safely to the other side and fortunately with her child. The worse that had occurred was that she’d managed to frustrate the early rush hour drivers by forcing them to wait for absolutely no reason what so ever.

Maybe there should be a cancel button on the other side of the road?  No, best not. I can foresee that matter turning into more trouble than it’s worth.  Better leave that idea alone for now.

Wakey Wakey!

So, once the lights had turned back to green we started to pull away, albeit very slowly…

You see, the vehicle in front of me drove slower than I can run, and believe me I don’t run very often or anywhere near Olympic speeds.

I found myself saying things like “if you drove at the usual typical speed for this road you could have an extra 15 minutes in bed”, maybe even with dawn. Who knows.  I shook my head in disbelief. Eventually I reached a three lane road and went on my merry way.

Move Over Please

Then once again… this time in the middle lane, was an ambulance travelling at about 40mph.  Now there could be a very good reason for this reduced speed on a 70mph road but why the middle lane I wondered?

The inside lane was clear. Not a driver in sight.

No one dared to pass on the inside of the ambulance as the law clearly doesn’t permit it. So one by one we squeezed into the outside lane to drive on past. It was at this point I shook my head in disbelief once more.

Gobsmacked!

The ambulance driver was taking off their official green jacket!  Yes that’s right, whilst driving an ambulance in the middle lane at an awkward speed he was irresponsibly risking the lives of many others by getting undressed!

I tried to forget about all of this and settle down for the remainder of my journey.  After all, my head was starting to hurt with all of the sideways shaking.

So Finally

So after all the build up of these stressful incidents I longed for something to make me feel better. Something to calm my body down for readiness of a hard day’s work in the office. Just a little chuckle would do, or perhaps a curious thought.

It was then one of those very fortunate moments occurred. I happened to notice the wording and artwork on the back of a small truck that I had been following.  It said, “SOLAR Self Drive”, and I couldn’t help but say to myself…

Wow! Really? That’s very clever, especially in the dark.

Think I'll stop for a coffee

Children have always looked up to others, and I don’t just mean literally. I’m sure we’ve all had at least one dream of becoming someone special in our lifetime.

For example, a little girl might have aspirations to become a famous singer, or perhaps a Hollywood actress.

Not all girls want to be famous though. Some may be thrilled at the thought of being a school teacher or a nurse and the rewards that those roles provide.

And Boys Want…

For boys it tends to be a little more action and thrill based.  Their desires focus more towards being a top fighter pilot hurtling at Mach 1 through open and clear skies. Some boys dream of becoming a motor racing driver with the adrenaline rushes that blow your head off at high speed as your backside sits inches from the tarmac.

I guess nowadays most are aiming to be the best footballer in the world, but I’m not sure if this is connected to being in front of thousands of fans each week or the receipt of a lottery win into your bank account every month.

Not Many Make It

For me on the adrenaline rush side of things it was one of two options, either to become a basketball player or a formula one driver.

Clearly the latter is incredibly difficult to achieve. Not that playing basketball is easy of course. To be in F1 is an incredible achievement. With only 24 drivers competing in any one race it highlights the niche market of talent.  It’s completely different to some other sports, take football for instance.  Football clubs like Barcelona and Manchester United each could have 30 or more players vying to play every match. It’s a complete contrast.

As for basketball, I loved playing it, and to be honest I still do when I get the chance.  My height helps hugely, which is a perfect excuse as to why I never chased the dream of an F1 driver. There’s no way I could fit into an F1 car!

All Things Disney

On a different theme altogether, one dream I had was to become a top Disney artist. Even today I’d still love to fulfil that dream. I wanted to be in the world of creating characters, story lines, animation, movies… the whole lot.

What a wonderful and rewarding life that would give, and even now just thinking about it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I love to draw, sitting at my drawing board and letting my imagination take over.

The Routine Commute

So given that I ended up in IT, designing and developing computer systems, means my aspirations that I’ve had since I was a little boy will remain unfulfilled forever.

Even my current location of work doesn’t deliver much excitement as I have a commute of over 60 minutes. That’s a minimum of 2 hours a day for 5 days every week. I’ve driven the same route for the past 15 years. As you can imagine, it’s a bit boring now. I could take a different route but that would just mean I’m spending even longer in my car.

F1… Worlds Apart

Despite this mundane driving experience each day I recently started playing F1 2011 on my PS3. Essentially the latest Formula One game to hit the shelves. I have to say I’m finding it a joy to play. It’s not quite reliving a dream but it is excellent. The intensity of the concentration and commitment required is truly amazing.

Now, whilst playing it I started to think about the reality of my commute compared to being an F1 driver.  My initial thought was that they are worlds apart, but I’m not so sure.

Round and Round and Round Again

You see, I might complain about my long tiresome repetitive drive but let’s just think about an F1 driver for a moment.

During each race he’s required to drive around the same short distance over and over again. Given a race may last 50 or 60 laps, and they do plenty more besides over the course of a race weekend, that actually seems quite dull when I think about it.

I Can Do Lots More

My scenery has changed on and off over the years and it’s pretty much in focus wherever I look, so somewhat different to a race track. They do get to drive into the pits, but I get to stop at petrol stations. I could even stop for a coffee without any penalty.

Talking of penalties, I get to stop and hold up traffic without any issues. Unless of course the vehicle behind has a flashing blue light in which case it’s no different to a safety car situation. They should be in front and it’s a good idea to not overtake them. Yes I know, they have a yellow light and not a blue one but you get the gist.

More Flexibility

I can switch lanes too, or drive slower, or start later, or arrive later, whereas they of course can’t. They have to drive the exact same line at the same high speed for every single lap. It’s a completely different concentration level for them and no denying it’s one incredible ability.

I do have hands free access to my mobile phone, so that’s similar to them talking to a race engineer on the pit wall. Oh, and I can drive my route in reverse, something that would be frowned upon and receive a lifetime ban for sure in the world of F1 obviously.

Conclusion

So you see, an F1 driver may get to experience a bigger buzz than me but taking everything into account my commute doesn’t seem so bad after all.

There’s one big final plus point for me. If I arrive home at the end of the day 5 minutes slower than yesterday, I still receive a great welcome home from my family. Which is better than being told I’m no longer needed and that I’m being subsequently dropped for someone better.

Right then, time to head back to the drawing board.

Whoops!

I recently read an article that highlighted blatant mistakes in some supermarket labels.

For instance, Wilkinsons were selling Colgate toothpaste at £2.60 each, or 2 for £6. Hardly encouragement to buy two if you ask me.

Then ASDA chipped in with their own bargain for Lucozade Sport by selling it for £2 a bottle, or 2 for £6, huh?

And not wishing to be excluded from the silliness was Tesco who listed Dr. Oetker pizzas for £1.39, or 2 for £4.50.

Clearly none of these were meant to say this and can probably be put down as genuine mistakes caused by the ever growing involvement of computers in our society.

Signs Don’t Escape

Whilst reading this article I started to think about all of the mistakes that have been made in signs over the years.  It specifically reminded me about one I came across a few weeks ago. It was located in my local Sainsburys supermarket car park, and it just didn’t make any sense at all…

Now, I don’t think it can be attributed to being classed as a computer glitch.  For me it’s definitely human error somewhere along the line.

The Sign In Question

You see, the sign said “Thank you for leaving these spaces free for Blue Badge holders”. Ok, that’s a nice thing to say and I can clearly see the positives with it.  Unfortunately though it was located in the wrong place… or so I thought at first.  Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

Normally supermarkets locate simple and useful signs throughout their car parks. They have exit signs guiding drivers out, no entry signs controlling one-ways, and specific signs indicating where the disabled bays and mother and toddler spaces are.

But Why Say That?

I was with my wife at the time who is a disabled Blue Badge holder. So upon arrival into the car park I pulled up into a disabled bay.  It was then that I noticed the sign in front of me. I stopped for a moment and turned to my wife and said “Well that’s not right is it?”

The message on the sign was clearly thanking me for not parking in the very space that I’d just parked in.  How ridiculous.

I started to think it through… well it’s obviously for people who shouldn’t be parking in a disabled bay. So for instance my good self when I’m not with my wife. That’s OK, fine. Completely agree.

Broken Pencil

The daft thing is that if I park elsewhere, so not in a disabled bay, then I won’t see the sign.  The flip side is that if someone doesn’t have a badge but does park in a disabled bay then they probably couldn’t care less whether they are thanked or not for doing something that they clearly haven’t done.

It’s just a crazy scenario.  The sign is simply like a broken pencil… pointless!

One Answer

Somewhere along the line this sign and location has never been thrashed out across the boardroom table, or maybe it has, which is a bit worrying!

The problem here is that the only suitable place for this sign to be is in a normal parking space, and not in a disabled bay.  This way each driver will be thanked for not parking in a disabled bay, and for kindly leaving those spaces for people who may need them.

The issue with this policy is clearly that hundreds of signs are needed for each non-disabled parking space, something I’m sure the cost justification department will say no to in most cases.

Conclusion

So what’s the way forward then?

Well, I guess they could just forget about thanking drivers, albeit the wrong ones, and remove the signs altogether.  Or perhaps the best, most accurate and relatively cost effective thing to do is to leave the sign located in the disabled bay but simply change its wording.  I’ve come up with a couple of ideas.

How about… “Dear Blue Badge Holder: Well done on finding a free bay!”

That’s fairly tame I know so perhaps something a little stronger would be more fitting…

“No Blue Badge? Ring 01234.555.678 to find out where to pick your car up from. Signed Mr. Tow Truck”.

Oh well, I’m sure you get the gist.

Roll the Credits... ACTION!

Have you been to the cinema lately? 

I have.

I recently ventured out to see the Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  It was an enjoyable evening but I got a little agitated by what happened at the end.  Don’t worry, I’m not about to spoil the movie for those who haven’t seen it.  If anything, it’s a very useful bit of information for you. 

My Expectations

My pre-movie expectations were low.  Having watched the latest trailer I couldn’t help think I’d already seen the entire movie, or at least all of the good bits. Plus as the story takes place prior to the original Planet of the Apes films I knew the ending before it started. So not a great start…

The Cinema Experience

A cinema does of course have many benefits over home TV viewing, but it also lacks in other areas too. 

There’s an enormous screen that laughs in the face of televisions.  You get an atmosphere that can enhance belly laughter ten-fold during a side splitting comedy. Viewing is of a blockbuster movie when it’s released, and not 6 to 12 months later. Interruptions are minimal, well non-existent really. Phones shouldn’t ring, door bells won’t chime and there’s even a cup holder strategically placed at the end of your arm.

So you see, it’s perfect!  Or is it?

Niggles

3D movies are almost becoming essential due to their superior quality over non-3D. It’s as though 2D is purposely being sabotaged, suffering from a huge breakdown in resolution, colour and sound.  Or maybe I’ve just adjusted to 3D, blu-ray and HD quality already.

The cinema does of course mean a trip out, queuing for a ticket and then separately for a drink.  Things I don’t need to do at home.  The seats are no match for my sofa either. Plus there will of course be those who turn up thinking it’s a social event with their friends, chatting, fidgeting and kicking the backs of seats whilst rustling food containers throughout the entire movie.  How much food do you need for heaven’s sake?

Oh and don’t forget this is all provided without the ability to press pause for a quick toilet break.

That’s some business model..!

Biggest Issue

Ok, so the cinema is still a good night out. I agree, but why do they do one particular thing in a movie that makes no sense at all?

As Rise of the Planet of the Apes finished the credits started to roll. Hundreds of names went past. At this point people began to stand up and leave, some fairly swiftly too. I was still sitting down as the first few left. 

But then came the ridiculous moment. Yes, you’ve probably guessed… the movie hadn’t finished. A little way into the credits another scene appeared. It didn’t last long but it was a crucial moment in the story telling.

And this is where I have a problem…

• Why do that?
• What’s the point?
• Why split that scene out?
• Why wasn’t it shown before the credits started?

It’s hardly suspense. It was a completely pointless bit of timing. No one expected it as the movie finished well. May be the director believes cinema goers should stay behind in detention fashion to read every name associated with it. 

Crazy and Ruined

It was a crazy bit of timing that left me with the feeling that the movie had been slightly ruined. It’s not because I’d got up by this point because I hadn’t, but because I couldn’t see the screen or hear what was being said due to the auditorium resembling a football terrace from the 70’s.  Virtually everyone else was standing and chatting loudly about the past 100 minutes.  Some teenagers were even making ape noises believing they were starting a new race of life.

Looking back I realised that if I’d been watching this at home I probably would’ve missed the delayed ending too.  For some reason the credits prompt a change of channels on the TV, always have done and always will.

Is that all?

After this “final” scene I stayed behind to see if the movie had any more secret scenes.  The credits rolled for what seemed like an eternity. May be the director had got his wish about someone watching the credits after all.

I waited at least another 5 minutes or so watching scores of names scroll by.  Finally I did give up, but only because the cleaners arrived to clear the mess created by the auditioning apes.

Conclusion

So as you can see, I came away with plenty of thoughts. It’s just a shame that the main ones were not of the actual movie content.  Saying that I did get a couple of hours of entertainment for just £8.50, pretty good really.  Plus they didn’t change channel when the credits started to roll, unlike at home.  Oh, and a special surprise ending, even if no one actually saw or heard it.

I’ll finish with a bit of advice for us all, it’s quite simple.  Just stay on your backside until the cleaners walk in!